BAD JOKES
I created these jokes when I was a child.
9-12-1984
A large stone was rolling down a hill. A rock was rolling next to it. “I’m playing a game with my friends,” the rock said. “Why are you rolling downhill?”
“I never really thought about it,” replied the stone.
“My best friends are Hermon and Fred. Who are your best friends?” asked the rock.
“I really never thought about it.”
“How long do you think this hill is?”
“I never took the time to think about it, really.”
“How come you don’t think about things?”
“Didn’t you know that a rolling stone gathers no thoughts?”
9-12-1984
My friend was going to put gasohol in his car, but I talked him out of it. I told him his car would be arrested for driving under the influence.
9-12-1984
I hope the lighter side of life isn’t too light, because if it was, it would float off into outer space.
9-12-1984
A man once set a trap in a bush with birdseed as bait. The next morning, a bird was caught in the cage. He set another trap in the bush and caught another bird. He opened the cages and held one bird in each hand. The birds pecked and clawed at his hands until finally, in great pain, he let go. The birds flew off, and he never saw them again.
The moral of this story is: a bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.
9-13-1984
Something to think about
Rule: All rules have exceptions.
9-14-1984
Q. How many pollocks can you fit in the top floor of the Empire State Building?
A. None. They haven’t managed to fly up there yet.
9-12-1984
Solve the rebus to find out what is black and white and red all over, catches flies, delivers milk, and has one horn, and crosses the road to get to the other side.
9-13-1984
As you go through the maze, read the letters to find out why a dog is smaller than a person.
9-14-1984
Cabbott and Ostello Routine
C. I’m going to the County Fair.
O. Oh. I’ve got a job and can’t go. That’s no fair.
C. Of course it’s a fair!
O. No! I mean it’s not fair that you can go and I can’t.
C. Even if I go and you don’t, it’s still a fair.
O. I’m just saying I’m angry because you’re going to a fair and I’m not.
C. You and I aren’t having an affair!
O. I didn’t say that. See, everyone’s going to a fair except me!
C. You’re having an affair with everyone?
O. Let me start over. See, I have to do hard labor. An affair should never have been brought up in our conversation.
C. You’re flying Braniff Air. Wow! Where are you going?
O. Huh? Nowhere!
C. Well, that’s certainly cheaper.
O. Wait! Let me start again. See, I got a job to earn money…
C. You won’t need money if you aren’t going anywhere.
O. What? Wait a minute…
C. Why, you’re not even going to the fair!
9-18-1984
What goes, “Shut up!!!” must have come across a put down.
9-19-1984
They call this place Stillwater because the water doesn’t move here.
9-24-1984
person 1: Damn!
person 2: That’s Madam.
9-28-1984
Science Teacher: Now be quiet, students. Now, the definition of work is a force applied to an object making the object move. Now, when you calculate work and force, I don’t want you to just put down an answer. You must show your work!
9-28-1984
Him: Why can’t a horse dance?
Limb: Because he has two left feet!
Him: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Limb: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Him and Limb together: Ha! Ha! Ha!
10-2-1984
Hungry customer: Chomp! Chomp! Did you cook this?
Conceited chef: Yes! Is it delicious or what?
Hungry customer (also hard of hearing): What?
10-3-1984
Person 1: “You know what?”
Person 2: “Not personally.”
10-3-1984
Person 1 (again): “I’m the greatest!”
Person 2 (again): “Say what?”
Person 1 (again again): “What.”
10-10-1984
A teacher’s French phrase: “Turn to page uh…”
(Get it? Un in French means one. It’s pronounced uh.)
10-22-1984
There once was a young man named Mike,
Who, pinching, he really disliked,
When he had great wealth,
He murdered himself,
To see if he had been awake.
10-8-1984
Famous Last Words
“Don’t shoot!”
“Please kill me.”
“You can’t stop me from committing suicide.”
“If you’re really that cruel and awful, well, then just shoot me.”
“I think we’re going to make it.”
“Honey, I didn’t! Honest!”
“<Hic> Driving this car sure <hic> is far out <hic>!”
“What’s this metal r-shaped object?”
“If she gives me an assignment, I’m going to die!”
“Not now! I’m writing my will!”
“This deathbed isn’t soft enough. Get me a softer deathbed.”
“I have not yet begun to fight.” (What’s so funny about that? I don’t know.)
“I’ll dive down and get that treasure.”
“You’d have to shoot me before I’d do that.”
“I’m getting dizzy from standing on this tightrope.”
“The End”
10-22-1984
What did the red trike named Ike say to the blue bike named Mike?
“Hey! How am I talking? I didn’t know trikes could talk!”
And then what did the blue bike named Mike say to the red trike named Ike?
Nothing. Bikes can’t talk, stupid.
GOSSIP
10-22-1984 Did you know that Rocky was stoned?
10-23-1984 Did you hear Bernie threw the grapevine?
10-23-1984 Dew ewe no eye dew knot no the weigh two right sum words write?
12-3-1984
I ignore ignorants.
10-25-1984
Whenever I buy a new program for my computer, and I want to make another copy for myself, I loan it to my friend who has the same type of computer. He copies it. Then I borrow his copy and copy it. This means I’m not breaking the law, because it’s only against the law to copy an original.
10-25-1984
Tuff: Would you like to live on the sun?
Stuff: No! I’d rather die than live on the sun!
Tuff: Well, it’s certainly easier dead than sun.
If you didn’t think that joke was funny, bang your funny bone on the table five times and read it again.
10-26-1984
In Mr. T cereal, the first ingredient is sugar! Don’t you know you don’t put sugar in tea?
12-2-1985
I heard a rumor about you. In fact, I started it.
Even More Bad Jokes
11-16-1984 Hey, doc, haven’t I had enough of this treatment?
10-30-1984
Tongue twister (Say this five times fast.)
Today’s Tuesday.
Tuesday’s today.
11-14-1984
Tuesday’s Wednesday.
11-16-1984
I have a great idea that will solve the United States’ population problem. WE HAVE GOT TO HAVE ANOTHER CIVIL WAR!
11-19-1984
I asked my father if I could add zero to my score. He said it was okay, so I changed my score from 20 to 200.
11-19-1984
| Happy |
bird |
day |
to me |
| (Hoppy) |
(birth) |
|
(tomy) |
|
(bird) |
|
(Tomy) |
| Hoppy |
bird |
day, |
Tomy! |
11-26-1984
Aw, poor water.
(Get it? Pour water! Ha!)
11-29-1984
Girl: I have got to lose some weight.
Boy: You have got to lose some what?
Girl: Weight!
< P a u s e >
Boy: I’m waiting!
12-4-1984
Buy ‘Instant H2O’! Just add water!
12-13-1984
I watched the weather forecast and found out a low pressure system had hit a cold front so it was raining in my town. At school, I wasn’t doing my work, and my teacher asked why. I said, “I don’t work well under pressure…… Low pressure!”
12-17-1984
Here are some lies you hear every day:
I’m sleeping.
I’m not talking to you.
I’m dead.
12-3-1984
Coffee sounds like caffeine.
1-17-1985
What is the worst day to get report cards?
D-Day.
12-20-1984
Today, we’re expecting it to get up to 42 degrees. The winds will be 5-10 mph with a 40% chance of rain.
Tonight the wind will get up to about 20 mph with a 60% chance of rain, and a low getting down to 44 degrees.
3-4-1985
“What’s wrong?”
“My ear is ringing.”
“Well, why don’t you answer it?”
3-19-1985
Definition of the future:
Sol - A person’s child that is of the male sex.
3-20-1985
Now get prepared for a long story.
Once there was a smart man. And this man was a professor of algebra.
One day, a rich man came to see him. The rich man said, “I will pay you ten thousand dollars if you can teach my son what i plus one minus one equals.”
Now, because the professor was a very smart man, he decided to accept the offer. The next day, the student came to the professor at promptly three o’clock in the afternoon.
“Well,” said the professor, “what is i plus one minus one?”
“I don’t know,” confessed the student.
Now, all of you people out there, don’t laugh, because some people have trouble relating to algebra at first, and the professor knew this, for he was a Very smart man.
So the professor asked, “What is three plus one minus one?”
“Three,” answered the student.
“Correct,” said the professor. “What is ten plus one minus one?”
“Ten!”
“What is seven plus one minus one?”
“Seven!”
“What is i plus one minus one?”
“I don’t know.”
Still don’t laugh. Some people take longer to catch on to algebra concepts than others. And the professor knew this. For he was a VERY smart man.
So the professor asked, “What is five plus one minus one?”
And the student said, “Five!”
“What is nineteen plus one minus one?”
“Nineteen!”
“What is ten thousand (dollars) plus one minus one?”
“Ten thousand (dollars)!”
“What is six hundred forty-three billion, two hundred seventy-nine million, three hundred seventeen thousand, eight hundred ninety-two and six hundred forty-three thousandths plus one minus one?”
“Six hundred forty-three billion, two hundred seventy-nine million, three hundred seventeen thousand, eight hundred ninety-two and six hundred forty-three thousandths!”
“What is circle plus one minus one?”
“Circle!”
“What is squiggle plus one minus one?”
“Squiggle!”
“What is n plus one minus one?”
“n!”
“What is i plus one minus one?”
“I don’t know!”
Well, the professor was almost stumped — almost. But, because he was a VERY smart man, he got an idea from the light bulb above his head. He decided to go through the entire alphabet starting at k.
“What is k plus one minus one?”
“k!”
“What is l plus one minus one?”
“l!”
And the professor continued through the alphabet. And as he continued, he started getting very tired.
“What is… y… plus… one… minus… one?”
“y!”
“What is… z… plus… one… minus… one?”
“z!”
“What… is… a… plus… one… minus… one?”
“a!”
The professor continued, getting more and more tired.
“Wh… at… … i… s… … h… … plu… s… one… mi… nu… s… … … one?”
“h!”
“Wh… at… … i… s… … i… … plu… s… one… mi… nu… s… … … one?”
“I don’t know!”
“Wh… at… … i… s… … j… … plu… s… Huh?”
Now the professor was stumped. Although he was a VERY smart man, he didn’t know what to do.
The maid entered the classroom and started sweeping. Because the professor was so desperate, he went to the maid.
“How can I get this student to know what i plus one minus one equals?” he asked.
“Why don’t you tell him the answer?” the maid suggested.
The professor thought about this.
And he thought some more.
And he realized that it would probably work.
So he went to the student. He then said, “Listen to me. i plus one minus one equals i.”
“Oh gosh!” screamed the student. “I should have known that!”
“Alright, now. What is i plus one minus one?”
“I don’t know.”
Now, because the professor was a VERY smart man, he immediately realized that the student did not want him to receive the ten thousand dollars. He thought about his problem. He couldn’t offer the student money, because the student’s father was very rich. He couldn’t threaten the student, because the student was about ten times taller than the professor. Finally, the professor got an idea. A super lightbulb was above his head.
The next day, the professor and the student were with the student’s father.
The professor asked the student, “What is i plus one minus one?”
The student smiled and announced, “I…”
But suddenly, the professor clasped his hand over the student’s mouth so all that the student could say was, “mmmf mmmf.”
The student’s father smiled and handed over a check for ten thousand dollars. The professor knew he was a VERY smart man when suddenly…
“Ouch!” yelled the professor.
For the student had bit his hand.
Do you realize I told that entire story without telling anyone’s name?
3-21-1985
Who is the leader of measurements?
The kiloliter.
3-27-1985
What do you get if you take six eggs divided by five?
A big mess.
3-27-1985
“Wow, thanks for this money!”
“Now you have to marry my daughter.”
“What? Why?”
“Don’t you know the saying? Every silver lining has a cloud.”
4-9-1985
Dumb: “Why are you always so tired in the morning?”
Beau: “Because I’m always awake in my dreams.”
4-9-1985
How long ago was Paul Revere’s famous ride?
Two hundred nine years, eleven months, nineteen days, twelve hours, and thirty-five minutemen ago.
4-9-1985
What do French Indians say?
Comment.
4-9-1985
What kind of coat does an octopus wear?
A coat of arms.
4-10-1985
How do you write the diatomic molecule of hydrogen?
H2.
Bless you!
4-12-1985
Can I ask you a question?
Well, you certainly can’t ask me a statement!
4-29-1985
How many seas are there in the world?
None. There are no C’s in T - H - E - W - O - R - L - D.
5-2-1985
Why did the U.S. flag look like this after Texas entered the Union in 1945?
Because Texas is the Lone Star State.
5-8-1985
It is improper to say, “The ayes have it.” You should say, “The its have ‘i’.”