JOKES
| I have a multiple personalities disorder. And each of them are seeing different therapists! |
| I used to believe that a good healthy marriage was not possible; people are just incapable of fulfilling a lifetime commitment. Now I believe that if two people sit in the back seat and let God do the driving, neither one will get out of the car... because He's going too fast! |
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Who is Number 1? No. one. |
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White cat: Mother is home from the grocery store. Black cat: Great! Let's go see what she bought. White cat: She bought chicken. Black cat: And I see fish. White cat: And there's beef. Wow. If Mother gave me chicken and fish and beef, I'd be nice to her for an entire day. Black cat: Oh I'd do it just for the halibut. |
| What's the best thing about being humble? You get to eat humble pie! |
| I keep my promises. When I make a promise, I will do all I can to fulfill it. I will move heaven and... Well... I'm not sure I'd move heaven and earth. |
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On what day of the week do people get the hungriest? I don't know. But I get thirsty on Thursday. |
| If someone offers you a free lunch, they might be fattening you up for dinner. |
| Benjamin Franklin said: Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I... uh... and I... hmm... (I guess he forgot what he was going to say.) |
| I'm slowly losing my memory. Fortunately, I often forget that I have this problem. |
| You know you're old when you can no longer stand up silently. |
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You know you're really addicted to a computer game when you choose to play the game instead of sleeping. You know you're really really addicted to a computer game when you choose to play the game instead of eating. You know you're really really really addicted to a computer game when you choose to play the game instead of going to the bathroom. |
| They say today is the first day of the rest of your life. Does that mean I should act like an infant? |
| In the 1930's, the government created many jobs. For example, people were hired to dig holes. After they were paid and sent on their way, new people were brought in and told: “Fill all the holes.” When he heard this, one of the workers elbowed his friend, saying, “That's what she said.” |
| A babaloon is a baboon who swallowed a baloon. That's why his belly is round. |
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Life is a test. Life is only a test.. If this was a real life, you would have been provided with instructions telling you where to go and what to do. |
| Do you have a phone and a calculator and a notepad and a watch and a flashlight and a radio and a stopwatch and a camera and a calendar and an alarm clock and a television in your pocket… or are you just happy to see me? |
| I hate people who hate people. |
| I wish they had set up a security camera at Jesus' tomb, because I'd love to see the video. The soldiers, as zombies, pushing aside the stone, and then Jesus coming out in His glorified body, walking around the stone to pee. |