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Who is Number 1? No. one. |
| Benjamin Franklin said: Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I… uh… and I… hmm… (I guess he forgot what he was going to say.) |
| I’m slowly losing my memory. Fortunately, I often forget that I have this problem. |
| I used to believe that a good healthy marriage was not possible; people are just incapable of fulfilling a lifetime commitment. Now I believe that if two people sit in the back seat and let God do the driving, neither one will get out of the car… because He’s going too fast! |
| What’s the best thing about being humble? You get to eat humble pie! |
| I have a multiple personalities disorder. And each of them are seeing different therapists! |
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White cat: Mother is home from the grocery store. Black cat: Great! Let’s go see what she bought. White cat: She bought chicken. Black cat: And I see fish. White cat: And there’s beef. Wow. If Mother gave me chicken and fish and beef, I’d be nice to her for an entire day. Black cat: Oh I’d do it just for the halibut. |
| I keep my promises. When I make a promise, I will do all I can to fulfill it. I will move heaven and… Well… I’m not sure I’d move heaven and earth. |
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On what day of the week do people get the hungriest? I don’t know. But I get thirsty on Thursday. |
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You know you’re really addicted to a computer game when you choose to play the game instead of sleeping. You know you’re really really addicted to a computer game when you choose to play the game instead of eating. You know you’re really really really addicted to a computer game when you choose to play the game instead of going to the bathroom. |
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Life is a test. Life is only a test.. If this was a real life, you would have been provided with instructions telling you where to go and what to do. |
| If someone offers you a free lunch, they might be fattening you up for dinner. |
| In the 1930’s, the government created many jobs. For example, people were hired to dig holes. After they were paid and sent on their way, new people were brought in and told: “Fill all the holes.” When he heard this, one of the workers elbowed his friend, saying, “That’s what she said.” |
| You know you’re old when you can no longer stand up silently. |
| They say today is the first day of the rest of your life. Does that mean I should act like an infant? |
| I hate people who hate people. |
| Do you have a phone and a calculator and a notepad and a watch and a flashlight and a magnifying glass and a radio and a stopwatch and a camera and a mirror and a calendar and an alarm clock and a television in your pocket… or are you just happy to see me? |
| A bag you carry on your back is called a backpack. A bag that touches your rear end is called a fanny pack. So is a pouch that you carry in front of you called a groin pack? |
| I wish they had set up a security camera at Jesus’ tomb, because I’d love to see the video. The soldiers, like zombies, pushing aside the stone, and then Jesus coming out in His glorified body… and walking around the stone to pee. |
| Instead of saying, “Goodbye," say, “It’s time for me to believe in you.” “What?” “I said, ‘It’s time for me to be leaving you.’” |
| As I get older, I find myself saying, “I don’t remember,” more often. I don’t know what I’ll do when I can’t even remember how to say that. |
| It is what it is. And it was what it was. And it would have been what it would have been, and it had been doing what it had been doing. |
| I have a perfect sense of balance. Now, if you grab my feet and lift them over my head and then release them, I will fall. But I'll know I'm falling. |